Purple Haze
by Aoikami Sarah
Summary: After emerging from the Rainbow Mist unscathed the Straw Hat pirates enter the Purple Haze and nothing will ever be the same... Humor Fic. Total Crack. No pairings or warnings. Enjoy!
1. A Mysterious Transformation

**Purple Haze**

**A One Piece Crack-fic by Aoikami Sarah**

_Note: This story takes place between the anime filler-arc called "The Rainbow Mist" and the Water Seven arc and contains much silliness. Enjoy. – aks_

**Chapter One - A Mysterious Transformation**

Usopp dozed off at last in his hammock inside the men's cabin. It had been a long day. As he fell asleep he imagined Kaya sitting next to him._ 'And then when we went into the Rainbow Mist we were trapped in time!' _he thought as he told her the story of their latest adventure. _'She's gonna think that one's a total fib!'_ He snickered to himself and drifted off to sleep.

**.x.**

The Going Merry was quiet. It sailed along with Zoro in the crow's nest and Nami's assurance that the ship would be fine with its present course until early the next morning. If they passed through any odd climates, Zoro would alert them and they would deal with it. Unfortunately, the swordsman slept through just such a climate sometime around two in the morning.

The ship slowed to a crawl as the wind died completely. Under starlight, a faint, violet fog could be seen just ahead. The Merry slipped into this patch of thick, almost fragrant fog and remained there for a half an hour. At about 2:30 the wind picked back up, dispersed the fog and filled the sails once again.

Surprisingly, Zoro was the first to wake. The sky was a fair periwinkle color with the coming of the sun. He stood and stretched. "Mmmm…" His stomach was empty, but otherwise he felt fine until he reached for his swords. He stopped as he clutched the Wado Ichimonji and stared at his hand which appeared much smaller than it usually did. A brow raised. His mouth pouted. "Ok," he grumbled. "What the hell's goin' on here?" The sound of his own voice shocked him so badly he dropped the sword and clamped his small hands over his mouth. His stomach flip-flopped as he felt a smooth, stubble-free chin. "Not cool. Am I…?" He wondered if he had been reduced in age overnight for some reason, but that theory was dashed to bits as he looked down. "Oh no." His stomach flopped and flipped. He sank back down into the safety of the crow's nest and tried to go back to sleep.

**.x.**

When Usopp woke, kicked in the head by his captain's foot, he grumbled for him to watch himself and turned over. He was just awake enough to feel that something wasn't right. Reaching a hand down to check his situation Usopp shot up and tangled himself in his hammock, flipping around and kicking Luffy back in the process. "Help! Help! Something's wrong! Someone, anyone, help!"

"Mou, Usopp…" Luffy muttered. "Knock it off." He stretched his arm out and bashed Usopp on the head to get him to calm down. It knocked him out. The hammock untwisted slowly and deposited the unconscious Usopp on the floor, face first.

Sanji snorted and turned over to try to get a few more minutes in. He knew if Luffy was disturbed it was only a matter of time before his stomach would switch back on and the chef would be pestered into the kitchen. Sanji exhaled and felt his first urge for a smoke. Reaching across to a shelf on the wall next to his hammock, Sanji's left arm crossed his chest and he stopped moving. "What the…?" he whispered and slowly pulled his arm back. He rested one hand on the right of his bare chest, one hand on the left. Pursing his lips tightly, he gave a squeeze.

**.x.**

Robin decided she should probably get up after hearing a piercing scream coming from the boy's cabin. A quick glance to the right told her the screamer wasn't the lump that was the sleeping Navigator. The shirt she wore to bed felt suddenly quite restricting. It took only a moment to assess the situation. "Ara," she muttered. "This is inconvenient." Assuming something similar had happened to the boys, she decided to stay where she was and to find something more suitable to wear.

**.x.**

"What? Where? I'll kick your ass!" Luffy shouted as he leapt out of his hammock. A young woman with blond hair stood before him in the pale early light. She had her oversized pants clutched in place in one hand and a large, blue button-down shirt clutched closed in the other. She was hyperventilating. "Hey!" Luffy shouted. "Who are you?"

"It's me, moron!" the woman screeched.

"Me who?"

"_Sanji_!"

"Yeah right."

"Are you retarded!" she cried. "It happened to you, too!" She pointed with the hand that had been keeping the shirt a bit tighter at Luffy.

"Hm?" he wondered and looked down. "Woah! I've got boobs!" Indeed, hidden only slightly under his red vest were a set of fairly nice looking breasts. His shorts hung low on his feminine hips.

"Put a shirt on!" Sanji cried.

"Why? You're a girl too."

"No I'm not! I'm a guy!" she wept. "And I don't want to have the hots for _you_!" "Usopp! Tell me it didn't happen to you, too!"

Usopp pulled the covers around himself and stood up slowly. They were shocked to see what a surprisingly good-looking (albeit long-nosed) female he made. She nodded sadly.

"Ok. This is bullshit," Sanji hissed and fumbled with a pack of cigarettes. "Luffy. Make it stop."

Luffy laughed. "Why? This is cool!" she said and innocently fondled herself.

A vein popped out above Sanji's exposed eye. "Stop that!" She pulled the sheet off her hammock and hurled it at her captain.

"Where's Chopper?" Usopp asked quietly, still a bit ashen and dazed from being knocked out.

A short, stifled shriek alerted them to the reindeer's presence. In the corner of the room, cowering and shivering was the doctor in natural form.

"Chopper! Are you ok?" Usopp asked as she shuffled over with the sheet wrapped around her and crouched down to the doctor's level.

"No." Chopper answered and nodded toward the pink hat a few feet away. "I can't wear my hat anymore." Indeed, the female reindeer did not have antlers to hold it up.

Usopp pet Chopper gently. "It's ok. You can wear it," she said, picked the hat up and tried to put it on her head. "Well, if you change into your normal form you can."

"Oh, no. I don't want to," she muttered. "I look silly."

Luffy chuckled. "Ha, I _bet_ you do!"

"Luffy!" Usopp scolded. "Ah. Where's Zoro? Is he outside still?"

"Oh God, Marimo's a chick too…" Sanji sank down into a chair and hugged herself. "What am I gonna do what am I gonna do…" she repeated and rocked back and forth.

"What are you so worried about?" Luffy asked. "So we're girls. Big deal."

"Big deal!" she screamed back. "What is the one thing I love above _all else_?"

"Girls," Usopp answered plainly.

Luffy made a face. "But you're a girl, too."

"No I'm not!" she argued.

"Luffy's right, Sanji," Usopp added. "I mean, his boobs are right there," she indicated to Luffy's shameless display. "And I don't really feel much of anything _except for being totally freaked out at the whole being changed into a girl thing._" Luffy nodded and gave a grunt of approval. "But it would be nice, Luffy, if you'd put a shirt on. Please."

Luffy pouted and buttoned up her vest. "There," she said stubbornly.

Usopp sighed. "Come on, let's go check on the others."

"Oh, no. I'm not going out there!" Sanji protested and clamped her hands down on the chair she was sitting in.

Another sigh escaped Usopp before she had an idea. "Sanji. If we were turned into girls, what do you suppose happened to Nami and Robin?"

Her eyes went wide. "Nami-san… Robin-chan!" she cried and bolted out the door, comically pulling her pants up as she ran. "I'm coming!" Luffy laughed and her breasts bounced, threatening to spill out of her vest.

"Oh man does this suck," Usopp grumbled and followed Luffy out, trailing the sheet she had wrapped around herself as she went.

_More to come…_


	2. Attempting to Adjust

**Purple Haze**

**A One Piece Crack-fic by Aoikami Sarah**

**Chapter Two – Attempting To Adjust**

Sanji wailed and pounded on the women's cabin door. "Nami-san! Robin-chwan! Are you ok!" Although it was only a few moments before anyone answered, she fretted and danced from one foot to the other the entire time. The door opened. Luffy poked her head around Sanji. Usopp and Chopper watched from a safe distance.

"Uaa! Who the heck are you!"

Usopp smacked her captain. "You wingus who do you think that is!"

"Oh my. So that's how it is," Robin commented and folded his arms across his chest. He, like Usopp wore a sheet wrapped around his body. "Would any of you ladies have some clothes I could borrow?" He grinned and Sanji passed out. A man's terrified scream from inside the room drew their attention. "Would you excuse me for a moment," Robin said as he closed the door. "I think someone is going to need a debriefing."

"Haha, this is awesome!" Luffy laughed.

"No it's not!" Usopp shouted back.

"It most definitely is _not_," another feminine voice muttered from behind them. "Just what the hell happened to us?" Zoro asked. She had ditched her oversized boots, pants and haramaki and was standing in only her white shirt which reached the middle of her thighs. She looked down at the cook's fallen form. "And what the hell's wrong with him?"

"Sanji had a heart attack, I think." Usopp errantly smacked Luffy's hand away as she had started to play with her breasts again. "Something happened overnight and changed all our genders."

"All?" Zoro raised a brow and the door to the women's cabin opened. She made a choking noise as Robin stepped back out and clicked the door behind him.

"I'm afraid Miss… er… that is, Mr. Navigator isn't taking this very well."

"Is Nami ok?" Luffy asked seriously.

"She's fine. I mean, he's fine. This is troublesome," Robin said with a sigh and put his hands on his hips. He looked a bit like a greek god with the white sheet wrapped around his waist.

Zoro grit her teeth together and tried hard not to stare. "Oi. Robin. Get me some pants," she demanded.

"Oh, good idea. We should trade some clothes, shouldn't we. Nagahana-kun, could you round up some of the men's clothes for Mr. Navigator and myself?"

"Sure thing, Robin," she agreed, beginning to feel oddly more comfortable by the moment. Chopper followed her like a puppy.

Robin grinned at Zoro who stood with her arms tightly folded and grimacing at the wall to her left. "I'll find some more suitable attire for you ladies." Zoro scoffed but said nothing as Robin ducked back into the room.

Nami was still curled up in bed and shaking like a leaf. "Mr. Navigator," Robin began.

"Don't call me that!" Nami shouted back and made a muffled, frustrated sound at hearing his own, deeper voice. "Are the guys ok?" he asked quietly.

"Aside from currently being girls, they seem fine. Though I think Cook-san is taking it pretty hard."

"Robin, tell me this isn't happening."

"I'm sorry. It is." Robin sat down on the edge of the navigator's bed. "I can't say I care much for being male, either. Despite often cursing being born a woman..."

This roused the redhead. "You did?" He pulled back the covers a little, revealing a handsome face and strong features.

Robin nodded. "I was alone for many years after the bounty was placed on my head at age eight. It was often very difficult just to survive as a young girl on the high seas, especially when I left West Blue for the Grand Line."

Nami was awestruck. This was more than he had learned about Robin since the former Baroque Works officer-agent joined the crew. "I was too!" he cried excitedly.

"Was too?" Robin repeated.

"I was orphaned and had to work for this awful pirate Arlong when I was eight years old. I know exactly what you mean. Trying to get by without being killed or _worse_ was really hard." He sat up and started at his own hands. "But despite how horrible it was sometimes, I really don't like this. I like being a woman."

Robin smiled. "Me too." He stood and crossed to the door. "I've asked the others to round up something for us to wear," he said and tightened the sheet he had wrapped around his waist. "I'm not worried. Since I've joined this crew I've been to the sky and back. I don't doubt that some solution will present itself."

Nami smiled and nodded. "Totally," he agreed and fashioned himself a toga out of his bedsheet. "And if it doesn't, think about how easily we can evade our bounties!"

Robin laughed.

In an hour Sanji was conscious and everyone was dressed. Chopper stayed close by Usopp but remained in her smaller, female deer form. Usopp wore one of Nami's bright, yellow skirts and a loose, brown tee-shirt with bare feet. Luffy had been given a more conservative red tank top to wear with the shorts she would not relinquish and a pair of flip-flops. Sanji sulked darkly as she made brunch in a black skirt and blue blouse from Robin that was a little too long but otherwise fit nicely. She had put on her own necktie which was also a little too long, but felt more comfortable. She stole glances at Robin as he poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table. Finally, Zoro entered wearing a pair of Robin's black Capri pants and a white tank top. She slumped into a chair and watched Usopp sit down next to her. "Damn, Usopp. You got this chick thing down," she commented snidely as she noticed how demurely Usopp seated herself.

"Why thank you, Zoro-chan."

"Do _not_ call me 'chan'."

"Zoro-sempai?"

"Not that either."

Luffy grinned to split her face. "How 'bout Zo'nna!"

"_Absolutely _not!"

Robin laughed. Sanji turned red and shouted "Everyone shut the hell up!" And everyone did. "This is _not_ funny. Something really messed up has happened and I don't hear _anyone_ talking about what we're going to do about it!"

Luffy deflated and flopped into a chair across from Zoro and Usopp. Robin raised his head. "I think we should wait until Mr. Navigator joins us before we discuss what we can do from here." Luffy nodded repeatedly and the others mumbled in agreement. Sanji huffed and went back to flipping the paninis she was making. When they were finished and being served, at last, the Navigator joined the rest of the Straw Hat pirates.

Nami stood in the door way, eyes wide and surveyed the room. Chopper without his antlers, Usopp and Sanji in skirts. Zoro and Luffy with cleavage. It was almost too much to bear at once and if it hadn't been for Robin's descriptive warning of what he was in for, Nami would have freaked out much harder than he was doing right now.

He wore a pair of Sanji's crop-pants and a colorful button-down short-sleeved shirt (that looked a bit like one Zoro wore a long time ago) over a plain, white tank top. His hair, like Robin's, was pulled back into a short ponytail at the base of his neck. Both he and Robin made very attractive men. "Zoro, don't sit like that," he groaned and took a seat next to Robin and Luffy. "It's unladylike."

"Why you…!" Zoro started through clenched teeth but thought better of berating him.

Luffy grinned at Nami like an idiot. "What?" he asked with a worried expression on his face.

"You're wearing my shoes!" Luffy sang.

"And?"

"That's all!" she said and giggled. Nami rolled his eyes.

"And Robin is wearing mine," Zoro grumbled.

"You have the biggest feet," he admitted. "Well, normally."

Zoro turned bright red but again opted to keep her comments to herself.

"Alright people, let's hash this out," Sanji urged to a chorus of muttered agreement. "What happened last night? Marimo, weren't you on duty? You must have seen something."

"I didn't see squat," she said, tilting her head to the side. "The weather was fine. The ship was fine. I woke at dawn and I was a chick."

Usopp leaned toward her. "Zoro, are you wearing perfume?"

She sat bolt upright and glared at Usopp. "Hell no!"

"You smell nice. Smell him, Luffy," she urged and the captain leaned in for a good sniff.

"Ah! That's a nice scent. Where'd you get the perfume, Zoro?"

"Oh my God, they're really turning into chicks…" Nami moaned.

"I said I don't have perfume on! Get off me!" Zoro flailed. Robin got up and went to have a sniff and Zoro bolted out of her chair and touched her swords. "I mean it. Trust me."

"I do," he said, holding his dangerous hands up. "May I smell what the others smell, please?"

She frowned deeply and turned her head. "Whatever. You're all nuts."

Robin sniffed Zoro quietly. "There is a sweet odor…"

"Et tu, Robin?" Zoro muttered.

"Fruity Marimo," Sanji snickered.

"I _will_ kill you."

"Please!" Robin raised his voice. "This could be a clue. She was the only one outside when this happened to us…"

Nami leaned over the table towards them. "So what does that mean, Robin?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, I don't know. It might take a while to get to the bottom of it. If you'll excuse me, I need to do some research." Robin took his plate and left the galley to pour himself over his books.

Zoro flopped back down into a chair. "Well, this sucks. What do we do now?" She tilted her head and tried to discreetly sniff herself. She shrugged, not getting what everyone else smelled.

Nami shrugged. "Wait, I guess." He noticed Sanji was staring at him. "Do I have something on my face?"

Sanji blinked rapidly and blushed. "Ah, no! No. Sorry." She looked down at her plate and pretended to be interested in her food. Luffy's was already gone and she was working on the plates of those who weren't paying attention.

Chopper was still standing at Usopp's side. Nami pouted as she noticed this. "Chopper, aren't you hungry?"

The reindeer shook her head.

Chopper quietly left the galley and went back to the men's cabin where she transformed into her normal form and curled up in her hammock. A few minutes later Usopp, followed by Nami, caught up with her.

"Chopper, it's ok," Usopp began. "The same thing happened to you as happened to me, you know."

"No. It's different."

Usopp gave Nami an exasperated face. "How is it different, Chopper?" Nami asked.

"You should know better than Usopp, Nami. You had something obvious taken away, too."

Nami blinked. "Obvious. You mean my breasts?" Usopp opened her mouth as she finally understood. She crossed the room and picked Chopper's hat up off the floor. "Ah… Your antlers!" Chopper curled herself tighter into the fetal position. "Usopp," Nami beckoned for her to lean closer so he could whisper in her ear. "Ok?" he asked when he was done.

"Be right back!" Usopp chimed. In a few moments she returned with something pale pink in her hand. "Tada!"

"Perfect," Nami took the small, pink tee-shirt from her. "You've seen my boobs like a million times, Doctor, so you shouldn't mind me peeking at yours, once," he said and grabbed Chopper out of the hammock. "And I do like my breasts very much and I miss them, certainly. But I know everything will be back to normal in no time." He and Usopp wrestled with the panicking reindeer to dress her. "In order for us all to have faith in this, we all need to support each other. That means that you have to suck it up like the rest of us." Lastly, Usopp popped the pink hat down onto her head. "I mean, hey, you can't let Usopp be the best girl on the ship, can you?"

"Oi oi oi," Usopp said, holding a hand up in warning.

They turned Chopper around to face a mirror and she hid the wrong way behind Nami's legs. She was _painfully_ cute as a girl. "Is that me?" she asked.

"That's you and you're so friggin' cute!" Usopp cried, picked the doctor up and hugged her tightly.

"Hey! Don't think that saying something like that's gonna make me feel better, asshole!" she chimed, grinning from ear to ear.

_To be concluded…_


	3. Waiting For A Miracle

**Purple Haze**

**A One Piece Crack-fic by Aoikami Sarah**

**Chapter Three – Waiting For A Miracle**

Zoro craned her neck to check the women's cabin, but there was still no sign of Robin. She slumped back down and pouted. The sun filtered down through low-lying clouds, but it was still quite warm. Finding it almost impossible to get comfortable, Zoro rocked to her feet and nearly collided with Sanji. "What?" she growled.

"Do you really smell?" the chef asked with a strange expression on her face.

"No!"

Sanji sniffed her. "Yes you do. It smells like… flowers."

With teeth clenched, Zoro took a swing at Sanji who dodged it. "Leave me the hell alone!" she shouted, jogged to the main mast and climbed back up to the crow's nest.

"Che," Sanji scoffed. "What's _her_ problem?" She watched Zoro climb and pouted. Her attention was diverted as Nami and Usopp emerged from the men's cabins with the reluctant doctor in tow. "Oh! Cute!" Sanji squealed and glomp-tackled Chopper.

Zoro was surprised and irritated to find Luffy sprawled out sleeping in the crow's nest but the idea of going back down and getting sniffed at by more of the crew made her mind up to stay. She sat down beside the sleeping captain and stared at her as she snored lightly. "How are you taking this so well?" she wondered aloud.

"Mmmm… ah, Zoro. Is it time for dinner already?" Luffy mumbled as she woke.

"No, wingnut, we just had lunch."

"Aw." Luffy righted herself and made a face that told Zoro she was thinking about something. "I don't know," she said.

Zoro rolled her eyes. "You don't know what?"

"I don't know why I'm 'taking this so well'. Why aren't you?"

The swordswoman folded her arms over her ample bosom and grimaced as they didn't sit where she wanted them to. She tried to make herself comfortable but finally gave up and let her hands fall in her lap. "I wanted to be the greatest swords_man_ in the world…"

Luffy blinked at her. "What's it matter if you're a girl or a guy?"

Zoro stared at her, disbelievingly and smiled softly. "Exactly, it shouldn't matter. That's what I told someone a long time ago, but now that I'm in her shoes I feel like I lied to her. I _am_ weaker. My body is smaller, more frail. I can feel it." She hung her head.

"So you want to be the strongest swordsman or the _greatest_? I'm confused." Luffy cocked her head to the side and scratched it by rubbing her straw hat back and forth.

Zoro pursed her lips. "Jeez…." She muttered as she stood up, tears forming in her eyes. "I don't know how you do it, Luffy."

"Do what!" she wailed. "I'm so confused!"

"Thank you, Captain." The swordswoman pushed Luffy's straw hat down over her eyes and left the crow's nest.

When Zoro and Luffy joined the rest of the crew, things were as normal as they could be. Chopper was busy happily organizing her first-aid kit. Nami checked the horizon through his telescope and barked to Usopp to set a course to avoid an oncoming storm. She saluted her and hurried off to the rudder inside the galley. Usopp narrowly missed colliding with Sanji as she spun out with a tray of drinks. Sanji danced around Usopp, growled at her to be careful and her single, exposed eye turned to a heart. She wiggled with joy next to Nami as she demurely offered him a refreshing beverage.

Everything was as it should be, except for everyone's genders being switched, nothing had really changed. Zoro sighed. "I'd still like my manhood back, thanks," she grumbled as she found a good spot on the deck on which to have a little lie-down.

Everyone's head turned as Robin finally stepped out of the women's quarters. "I think I have it," he announced and held a book over his head.

The crew gathered around him as Robin pointed out an account of a strange situation from nearly 100 years before. "According to this story an entire crew of marines returned to base as women. I'm sure the government didn't make this public, but one of these 'women' wrote about the experience. Here, she writes that the ship encountered a strange purple-colored fog in the middle of the day. When the ship sailed through it they were surrounded in a flowery scent…"

"See! It wasn't me!" Zoro shouted at Sanji who simply shrugged.

"Everyone fell asleep," Robin continued, "and when they woke, 'he was she'."

Luffy pounded her fist into her palm. "Ok! Now we just gotta find the purple haze!"

Nami's eyes widened. "Change course back into that storm! Now!" he shouted and Usopp and Sanji rushed to move the rudder back. "I thought it looked weird!" he held his telescope up for the others to see.

Luffy grasped it first. "Ua! Purple haze!"

"Hallelujah," Zoro breathed a sigh.

Once the course was reset, everyone stood at the bow and waited as the Going Merry grew closer to the storm. The wind died and the ship coasted toward the dark violet horizon. Chopper grew into her large form to better see what was ahead and gasped. "Oh! Guys!" she cried in alarm as her tee-shirt tightened over the large form's chest. "We should change first!" She removed the shirt and transformed into the more gender-neutral reindeer form. Everyone dashed to their respective quarters and hastily threw their old clothes back on.

Just as they hurried out, the bow of the ship ducked into the haze.

"Do you think this'll really work!" Usopp cried.

"It better or…" Sanji began, but it was already working. She fell mid-step to the deck. The others followed a second later and the Going Merry sailed slowly into the purple haze.

When they came to, the Straw Hat pirates lay on the deck for a while before sitting up and staring at each other in silence. Everyone had indeed changed back to 'normal'. The first person to speak up was Zoro.

"Well, that was interesting," he grumbled, deeply satisfied at the return of his baritone.

"I think we all learned a little something today," Nami said, winking.

"Yeah, like being a girl is fun!" Luffy said, mimicking groping his own breasts. Nami smacked him on the back of the head.

"I learned that I'm still me, even without my antlers," Chopper said, rubbing them affectionately.

"I learned Sanji's still Sanji no matter if he's a dude or a chick," Zoro said with a grin.

"I learned Marimo makes a really ugly girl," he snarked back.

Zoro simply shrugged. "Least I smelled better than you."

"If it weren't for that account in the travelogue," Robin commented. "One would think we'd simply experienced some form of hypnosis."

"It was real, alright," Usopp corrected and started to laugh. "I forgot to change my underwear!"

There was only a brief pause before everyone else burst out laughing. Usopp made up and sang a song about how tight his drawers were as he danced back toward the men's cabins to change. The Going Merry sailed into the sunset and all was right with the world. Again. For now.

**END**


End file.
